Pasta: Cavatappi with Marinara and Meatballs
Side: Minestrone Soup
Side: Minestrone Soup
Going back to work after Halloween is always rough. You’re exhausted from wearing costumes and drinking and partying. Or in my case, watching Frozen and eating a bag of chocolate you were supposed to hand out to kids but my neighborhood is “too dark” so they’re “scared.” Isn’t that the whole point? Their loss.
Having no energy at work also meant that it was a perfect day for a Sad Desk Lunch. And the saddest desk lunch of all? A Sad Desk Lunch of Sad Never Ending Pasta.
It’s the final stretch of the Pasta Pass. Only a week left. Some have clearly enjoyed it more than others. I certainly have mixed emotions about the whole thing. It was fun to write about, yes, and I was on NPR, which is awesome, but now what do I do? Where will I get my mediocre pasta now? Sbarro? Dollar King? That Chevron near work? All good choices, but they’re no Never Ending Pasta Bowl.
Since I was at work, I tried ordering from my computer. The Olive Garden website is a labyrinth and I couldn’t find the Never Ending Pasta Bowl option, so I just called them. It was the Olive Garden in Burbank and I immediately got put on hold. Stacey in Glendale would never let this happen.
Finally, some stranger took my order: Cavatappi with marinara and meatballs. For my side, I got minestrone. It had been a cold, rainy weekend and I needed to warm up with some salty vegetable soup.
I drove to the massive shopping orgy that is the Burbank Empire Center. During lunch hour, it’s an ordeal to find parking there. Even the designated Olive Garden take-out parking spots were taken. I know you liars aren’t at Olive Garden! You’re probably enjoying a delicious sandwich or fusion taco somewhere.
I finally found parking near Hometown Buffet. As I walked by, I peeked inside and got jealous of the people eating their stale pork chops and dry mashed potatoes. It had come to this. I actually wanted the variety of Hometown Buffet.
I got my pasta and drove back to the office. I immediately regretted not getting meat sauce, but the Cavatappi remains my favorite pasta of theirs. The meatballs were less appealing, similar in taste and texture to the infamous meatballs at IKEA. The minestrone was salty and hearty, just what I needed. And the breadsticks I threw away because they’re awful.
And now, since I’ve tried all the types of pasta, here's my Power Rankings of the Never Ending Pasta Bowl pasta at Olive Garden:
6. Whole Wheat Linguine
Garbage. Just awful pasta. I ordered this once and it reminded me of hospital food. It tastes like how I imagine shoelaces tastes like. If you have to eat this pasta because you’ve got food allergies or you’re a masochist or something, just go with shoelaces. They probably have more nutritional value.
6. Whole Wheat Linguine
Garbage. Just awful pasta. I ordered this once and it reminded me of hospital food. It tastes like how I imagine shoelaces tastes like. If you have to eat this pasta because you’ve got food allergies or you’re a masochist or something, just go with shoelaces. They probably have more nutritional value.
5. Angel Hair
What a weird name for pasta. I get it, angels are heavenly, they’re awesome, they’re cool. But their hair? You really want to eat that? Really? Angel pubes. That’s what you’re eating. In any case, I got this with meat sauce and it wasn’t bad. It was also really overcooked. Plus, when I asked for more, they gave me a tiny bowl masquerading as a second serving. Not cool, Olive Garden.
What a weird name for pasta. I get it, angels are heavenly, they’re awesome, they’re cool. But their hair? You really want to eat that? Really? Angel pubes. That’s what you’re eating. In any case, I got this with meat sauce and it wasn’t bad. It was also really overcooked. Plus, when I asked for more, they gave me a tiny bowl masquerading as a second serving. Not cool, Olive Garden.
4. Penne
Unlike Angel Hair, the Penne I’ve gotten is usually undercooked. Also, I don’t know if it’s an optical illusion, but I always feel like Olive Garden gives less of the odd-shaped pasta. Spaghetti, Angel Hair, Linguine, I get a bucket of it. Penne or Cavatappi, I get a handful. Of the odd-shaped pastas, this is the inferior one. It’s not bad, just meh.
Unlike Angel Hair, the Penne I’ve gotten is usually undercooked. Also, I don’t know if it’s an optical illusion, but I always feel like Olive Garden gives less of the odd-shaped pasta. Spaghetti, Angel Hair, Linguine, I get a bucket of it. Penne or Cavatappi, I get a handful. Of the odd-shaped pastas, this is the inferior one. It’s not bad, just meh.
3. Spaghetti
The old standby. Spaghetti and meat sauce go together like me and spaghetti not made at Olive Garden. Their spaghetti is okay I guess, and perhaps my judgement is invalid since Filipino spaghetti consists of sweet ketchup and hotdog slices, but I feel like spaghetti is so common that it should be hard to screw up. Should be.
The old standby. Spaghetti and meat sauce go together like me and spaghetti not made at Olive Garden. Their spaghetti is okay I guess, and perhaps my judgement is invalid since Filipino spaghetti consists of sweet ketchup and hotdog slices, but I feel like spaghetti is so common that it should be hard to screw up. Should be.
2. Fettuccine
Finally, the consistent winners of the Pasta Pass. These last two are far and away the only pasta you should get if you have to go to Olive Garden for some reason. Perhaps you’re visiting relatives who live in San Bernardino. Perhaps you won an Olive Garden gift certificate at work. Perhaps you’re on a Tinder date with a manager at Olive Garden. For whatever reason, if you find yourself at an Olive Garden, get the Fettuccine. Or, even better, get the…
Finally, the consistent winners of the Pasta Pass. These last two are far and away the only pasta you should get if you have to go to Olive Garden for some reason. Perhaps you’re visiting relatives who live in San Bernardino. Perhaps you won an Olive Garden gift certificate at work. Perhaps you’re on a Tinder date with a manager at Olive Garden. For whatever reason, if you find yourself at an Olive Garden, get the Fettuccine. Or, even better, get the…
1. Cavatappi
What a great pasta. If angels had hair, it’d be Cavatappi. Fun, thick, and wavy, not thin, stringy, and bland like Angel Hair. Cavatappi is the best pasta at Olive Garden, hands down. It’s good in all sauces (meat, marina, alfredo) and goes well with any of the toppings. Plus, it’s all spiral and trippy, like a pasta maker dropped acid one day and said “I want to eat corkscrews.” One downside is that it looks like Ebola. Perhaps ebola should rebrand itself as a “Cavatappi-like virus” and maybe we’d get hungry instead of scared. Mmmm… ebola.
What a great pasta. If angels had hair, it’d be Cavatappi. Fun, thick, and wavy, not thin, stringy, and bland like Angel Hair. Cavatappi is the best pasta at Olive Garden, hands down. It’s good in all sauces (meat, marina, alfredo) and goes well with any of the toppings. Plus, it’s all spiral and trippy, like a pasta maker dropped acid one day and said “I want to eat corkscrews.” One downside is that it looks like Ebola. Perhaps ebola should rebrand itself as a “Cavatappi-like virus” and maybe we’d get hungry instead of scared. Mmmm… ebola.
Next post, the Power Rankings for toppings! Chicken Fritta, Shrimp Fritta, Meatballs, and Italian Sausage. Spoiler: the Italian Sausage is garbage.